Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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