grandma shit on top of the toilet
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
