3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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