Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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