I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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