I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
