It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Randomize
