You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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