Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
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Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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