6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
