There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
