call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
