First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
