I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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