You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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