My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
