just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
