Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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