Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
