Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
