Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
