"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I am available for nakedness
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
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