I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
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She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
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Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.