I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
