You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
