Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
