I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
