someone threw a dead crab at me
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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