i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
tequila makes me forget i have legs
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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