that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
is wine microwaveable?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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