We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
