when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
