I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
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she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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