So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
