Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
