Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
pray to the hookup gods
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
