im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
i out mim tonsoeep
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