If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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