glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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