she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
