at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
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