so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
