I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
