my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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