when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Randomize
