I think my fart just growled at me.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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