you didnt know i had herpes?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize