I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
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