Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
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He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
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I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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