Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
