She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
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HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
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He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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