I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
