nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just found puke in my bra..
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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