Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
