I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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