so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
