So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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