I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
