Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
