What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
